Thinking about you today. Mom is going to talk to you on Friday. I can't wait to hear what you'll tell us this time. I wish I could be there. Holiday season is right around the corner and I'm hoping this year will be a little easier. I doubt it but I can hope right. I miss picking stuff out for you since we have such similiar styles. Dylan is so hard to buy for. I'm working on a tribute video for you, another one. I could stare at pictures of you all day long. I just wish we had more. But I get to hear your attitude every day in Nene. You'd be so proud; he's just as mouthy as you! Oh and he knows everything, sound familiar? I love you and miss you so much. Please tell mom everythings gonna be alright on Friday. I will talk to you soon.
Do you know how much I miss you? Well of course you do ... you know everything now. For real this time :) Its supposed to get better they tell me...time heals all wounds they say. They are all full of shit! I keep staring at the dry erase board we used to leave messages on.... your handwriting is still there. I can't erase it, just the thought of that makes me cry uncontrollably. I cant clean your "workout mirrors" or even your closet. You still have stuff from 1st grade in there. It's not been very long, what the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of my life without you? Now we are going to sell the house... as it was planned before you left. What will happen with my memories? My worst fear, I will Never forget you, but I dont want even one little memory to fade. We have always been here, I am scared. Even today as I'm in the kitchen ... I can look at the stairs and see you sitting there smiling and imagine you talking to me like you always did.
When I go upstairs I pass your room, its the same just cleaner and your not there, your bed is empty. Sometimes the comforter looks likes someone has layed on it, but thats probably just me and wishful thinking. All the times I woke up late at night thinking I heard a girl sneeze, cough or laugh .. I have since found out I was right. But you were a pimp ... right!!! They were in there and now I can't be mad at you, I just have to smile. I remember when Kiesha moved out of the house when she turned 18 and you got her room ... no more sharing with Dylan. We went to Oak Express and bought you a whole new bedroom set. I took money out of my 401K LOL, who needs that anyway... had plenty of time to work on that. Then we spent a week getting rid of your sisters flowered wallpaper and painting your room in blue. We shopped for a sailboat theme - your ships in a bottle are still there in the corner on the shelves we painted.
When I look out the front door I remember the bombs we let off that one night with Dobbs, the damage we did to the lawn... Scoob eventually figured that one out. All the times you caught Catfish and Northerns out of the creek when the water was up, oh, and the baby snakes that bit you over and over when you were little and catching them. You didn't even care... you just couldnt let them get away.
The deck reminds me of us all eating beer can chicken, it was so good we didnt even talk during dinner. It also reminds me of fishing off the deck during the flood and you dropping big ass catfish on my kitchen floor and them flopping around until you could quit laughing long enough to pick them up. And your crazy kiaking skills when we were flooded, you are supposed to stay dry when your in a boat....so much for waders. The many times me and Scoob yelled at you and your friends out on the deck for being so loud when we were trying to sleep on a work night - you were right under our bedroom window! We dont get "summer vacation"
The bar in the kitchen reminds me of fondue night with you and Dylan - I will always miss that and dont ever want to do it again without both of you there. You making late night snacks for your friends and me waking up in the middle of the night smelling food cooking. You were a great chef according to all your friends .... course I know why :) Earlier years, making the Solar Hot Dog Cooker for science class and endless hours of homework.
The living room reminds me of playing XBOX and you screamin and yelling at all the dumbasses you were roastin LOL. Your gamertag just rolling like it was a slot machine with unlimited coins being thrown in it. There was that awesome night when the whole family played Rock Band and you sang a Red Hot Chili Peppers song - damn you can sing! Remember? Kiesha played the drums, Steven sang and Brooklyn danced while I held her.... she couldnt even walk yet.
All the Christmas' with grandma and grampa and the crazy presents you would get from them and all the stuff Kiesha and Steve got you that made you sooo happy. The gangster clothes and bling bling watches and earrings :) Thanksgiving was always a challenge with you trying to cut weight for wrestling ... yet still have dinner - you suffered so much. But your team always counted on you and you never let them down. Wrestling is in itself another story, I missed those days even before you left. I've always been so proud of your never stop attitude and your dedication to your friends and team. Your many awards and your letter jacket speak for themselves.
So many memories.... Even our road, the bridge, and railroad tracks bring back memories.... you getting sucker punched when you were little by some little shit (cant remember his name) at the bus stop up by the tracks. I think you might have been 8 or 9. He said "Hey Zach" and when you turned to face him he socked you in the eye and ran home cause he knew you were gonna kill em. You came home with a huge black eye and you were pissed off like no other...then you proceeded to beat the shit out of him everyday at the bus stop for the next six months. His parents eventually got upset because he came home beat up everyday and planned a "boxing match" between you two in their yard without our knowledge - just to "settle everything". You beat his ass again in front of them and they moved away shortly after - I think they were embarrassed....Years later... the bridge and the fight of the year that we missed cause we left you in charge of the house when we went to Wisconsin LOL. At least nobody called the cops .... at least that I know of!!!
The "private drive" sign on our road being mangled and hanging, yep you did that. The dents in your car door that I found out were because you were knocking mailboxes over by opening your door going down the road..... would have really pissed me off before. But now I guess thats really a minor infraction and probably would have been fun for me as a teenager. You trying to "wire" up speakers and subs in all your 4 cars..... screwing up the dash and all the other electronics as you went. Who needs a gas gauge anyway!!!!
Many more memories of random stuff with the boat, the docks, school dances and the never ending search for a "chrome colored tie" that one year, etc.
Will these memorys fade when we dont live here anymore? All you kids grew up here, all of our memories are here, but yet I know I have to go. Dont ever leave me ... I feel you here but I need you to go with me... I will not be able to continue with my half-of-a-life exsistance without you being close to me.
Please always know you are so important to me... I miss and love you so much. Life is not the same for anyone. Your friends have changed, your siblings, and even your neice and nephew's lives have changed. Lil Steven is so much like you, and he misses you and cry's that he wants to be with you. You have touched so many lives... you always knew you were special and never let any of us forget that :) but even though you were told, I don't think you realized ... we truely meant it.
Love mom
Soo As you know I finally had my little baby boy Carter James Brenner :) Born march 1st at 9:25 a.m. 5lbs. 14 oz. 19 1/2 inches long... sorry I tried to go as long as possible to make it to ur birthday but it was a little early lol 16 long hours of labor and my little blessing finally made it... Hes 4 months now, I havent had the time to get on you know trying to raise a little one... Trying to raise him as wonderful as ur mom raised you cause I know you looked up to her and had her back thru everything... I want him to share that same love with me. It is hard though raising a boy knowing anything is possible... I pray to god everyday to help me be the best mom I can be and to help me be patient, loving, and kind cause in a matter of seconds he could be gone and I dont know how i would live without him... Within 1 day of him being born he saw ur face, I made sure to bring my sweatshirt and wear it home from the hospital so he might you as early as i could possibly let him.. He also helped celebrate your birthday when we came home :) only a few days old! I also tried showing him ur memorial site we went on many walks up there trying to loose the baby weight! He will probably ask about who you are when he grows up and sees all my memorials of you in my car, on my shirts, in my notebooks and I will be sure to let him know about how amazing of a person you were... So let him feel your spirit, i know you'll watch over and help to guide him* I hope ive shown you how much i truly loved and resected you.... I dont care to really know wat happened that night cause i will always feel the same way about you no matter what happened cause watever it was happened to be the worst thing that could happen... I will always work hard to make u proud of me in everything that I do
p.s. my parents old house is getting tore down soon :( It hurts me to even driveby there just because of the memories I shared with you there... the memories that so many of us shared there... Please find a way to stay near since our party palace is now gonna be gone ;) Either way my memories in that house with you will never be forgotten whether the house is still standing or not...
Love you zachary
Lynzy <3
