Zachary O Sullivan - Site Memorial Online

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

Its late January 2011 and I'm working on your room. Trying to get the house ready to sell. It's so hard, I really want to just sleep in your room on the floor to try to get close to you - thats the worst. I just want to feel you, your hug, your presence.  I feel so guilty for changing anything but I know I have to if we are ever gonna get somewhere else. I just want everything to stay the same.... I want you here so bad its unbearable. I sat on your floor and cried after your furniture was moved out of your room. I know its necessary but I stil feel you in your room and I feel such an overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness, I have a hard time dealing with it. I cant change anything - I have prayed, begged and pleaded and you haven't come back .. so I can only come to the conclusion that I wont see you again until I get to heaven. No miracles for me. I should know I wouldnt be a candidate for that. Hopefully I will be with you sometime soon and after all my mistakes in life that God will still take me.  I miss you so much I cant tell you how many times a day I think of you. Almost everything, every second ... somehow reminds me of you. I cant think there are too many people that affect someones total purpose for being on this earth.  You and your sisters are my sole reason for being here, Kiesha saved my life and I've lost two of the three most important people in my life now. I can't deal with anymore loss. I just want you to know I love and miss you so much I cant describe it, I have cried so much and still I could cry an ocean in any given moment.  Please tell your sister how much I wanted her, how her crib was all set up with her toys and blankets and how we were just impatiently waiting for her to be born. How much we were all looking forward to her arrival. She was very much wanted... and still is. Life is just full of so much pain. It's difficult to "want" to be here anymore.

Well another Christmas ... I kept busy today with the cooking, cleaning and buzz going on in the house. Everybody's went home now. Thats when its the worst, it gives me time to think. It's so lonely without you. You should be upstairs killing people on XBox and checking out all your gifts. But I hope you and Kirstie liked what I got you... I hope your tree stayed lit for awhile. I love you baby.

Some days I just cant deal with this ... I cant stop crying ... today is one of them. I can't believe your gone!!! Its NOT okay, it cant be real, and I cant handle it I miss you soooo much.... Please just come back.

Sometimes I allow myself just a few brief moments to daydream about how great life would be if you and Kirstie were still here. How she would have been at all your wrestling meets and how she would have been so proud of her big brother. She would have been the number one reason why you would have had to step up and take care of yourself... and her... just for your little sister. She would have been your best buddy... you always wanted someone that just completely belonged to you and that was her. She would have been as beautiful as you were handsome. You two would have just ruled P.V. She couldn't have come up behind you and not have been the most popular girl in school. Her with her big brown eyes and an outgoing personality just like you... Its just so sad. She would have been a cheerleader for sure!!! I can see her being so close to Steven and Brooklyn... just like you but even more so, She would have loved to babysit at her age. But I cant allow myself to day dream about all this  too long because reality is hard to come back to. But I wonder how many boys you would have beat up if they upset your little sister. I know you would have taken care of her and I your life would have been so much happier if she would have been here all along. I wish I could have taken away all that sorrow for you. I do understand how her death affected you, I am still dealing with that myself.  Its just something you cant make alot of people understand. I miss you both and love you so much.