Well Zach, I haven't written in awhile. I'm sorry. The truth is I haven't been keepin my head up like you tried to teach me. But that's why I'm writing now. I'm gonna start. I still can't wrap my head around all this but if I keep waiting til it all makes sense I'll never get back to living... and I know that's what you'd want me to do. I saw the pic of Nene on your facebook, and what you said about him; "I'd do anything for him". And you know I have to have my mind right to bring em up like you want/expect me to. I just hope you know now how much I love you. When you were younger it was so much easier. I could give you hugs and kisses, remember the web o love. Lol ok so you probably didn't want me to share that. I loved you like my first child, like my practice child. HaHa bummer for you huh. I wasn't too bad. We had some years, it was hard but we got through them together, and we had a bond unlike many others. But just like a real child of mine you grew up and had friends of your own and things to do. And hugs and kisses 3 months ago... awkward. But I know you know now just how much I love you. And I'll keep on loving you. Your memories will live on with me, and mom, and scoob, and your bazillion friends. I always thought you were bluffin about this whole popularity thing. I know you were with me at the hospital the other night. I felt you; thank you. I promise to work harder on keeping my head up and you please help show me a way to make this mean something... to make it make sense. I miss you every minute of every day. I love you. I miss you.
There were things I wanted to say to you at your native american ceremony but I only got bits and pieces out given the situation. I know your a warrior now and your up there with God, grandma, grampa and Kirstie so I will try not to worry about you anymore. Your stronger than you've ever been. I am still pulling my strength from you. I want you to know that I don't need to forgive you .... I love you unconditionally and there were never any apologies needed. Ever since you were a little boy you claimed to know everything, and now you do. So now that you actually do, help God watch over your friends and family and keep us all on the right path. Please visit me often, this world is pretty dark without you here right now and I miss you so much. And when my time comes, wait for me by the gates because I cannot wait to see you. I love you, I will never forget you and it won't be soon enough but I will be with you again.
I was just sitting here talking to Asif, Joey, Mogley and Marcus about you boxing out in our back yard. Summer before last I think. You all put on the gloves and you were boxing Joe from down the street and another time you were boxing Asif. We brought out paper towels to Asif cause his nose was bleeding. I think you were bleeding too. I remember me and Lisa Kay being the bell ringers for when the round was over. We rang the bell real early in every round cause I just couldnt see you all out of breath and hurting. I just didn't understand how as friends you could beat the hell out of each other and still be friends LOL. Some of it may have been "what will the neighbors think?" But I have been educated ... Mogley fought last Thursday in the ring and dominated. I saw the video - he beat some ass. Just like Briar and Kelly a few weeks ago (although Briar did get another black eye from a food item 
). After talking to them all, I now understand why you boys do what you do. You had a good time and so did they. This is one memory I don't ever want to forget ... thats why I'm putting it here. There are so many more memories that I will be adding.... like the homemade bombs we made with Brandon. That still puts a smile on my face and you know why. I will get to those eventually. I know I've always told you that I'm proud of you ... but I'm gonna tell you again. I am so proud to be your mom and you are the most awesome son anyone could ever have. I miss you and love you even more.
hey Zach O,
As you may know it wasn't easy getting thru your birthday, it never will be. By now you know how much I love you. I won't be strong for you, I'm just who I am.
I'll be seein' ya, so dude be cool, I've gotten a good look at ya, you're alright.
You have some great friends. I don't know 'em well, if at all. But as I read about them I feel the love they have for you. You've touched a many hearts.
I love you
